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Funny Joke of the Month

One day Bob complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor." His friend replied, "Don't do that, there is a computer at the chemist's that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10."

Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noises and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it could change medical science forever, he wondered if this machine could be fooled and decided to try it. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

Bob went back to the pharmacy, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

"Your tap water is too hard - get a water softener. Your dog has worms - give him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine - put her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant with twins, they are not yours - get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better."

2nd Funny Joke of the Month

An old man was on his deathbed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Funny One-Liners of the Month

When you walk a mile in someone else's shoes is it technically stealing?

The last time I made headlines I was laying on corduroy pillows.

Death is passed down from generation to generation.

Headline News: The Energizer Bunny was arrested for assault. Batter not included.

Some have a photographic memory; I have a pornographic memory.

Forget world peace. Visualize driving while not talking on the cell phone.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move your bowels.

I got two puppies for my teenage son. I think I made a good trade.

I feel like I have just gotten a jaywalking ticket in a parallel universe.

I used to be indecisive. No, wait -

I used to have an open mind, but my thoughts kept wandering off.

I have a mind like a steel trapeze.

What's New in FunnyNews?

Humoroust-shirts.com is having an Independence Day Sale, so check it out. We have also opened a political t-shirts site, just in time for the upcoming elections.

FunnyDesigns.com has rolled out new designs in the What's Hot, Political, and Risque sections. FunnyDesigns offers t-shirts, coffee mugs, mouse pads and other funny items.

Funny-pictures.biz is also offering new designs on t-shirts plus it offers a whole slew of funny, manipulated photos that can also be placed on t-shirts.

Humoroust-shirts.com is a funny quotes and slogans on t-shirts website and is having an Independence Day sale. Buy 3 t-shirts and get 10 Free Fake Lottery Tickets.

Animaltshirts.net is devoted to animals across the world on t-shirts. From aardvarks to zebra, check out our line of animal t-shirts.

Politicaltshirts.us is a left-wing, liberal, commie, pinko, socialist, democrat-loving website devoted to t-shirts that are left of center.

April-fools.us has closed the gag gifts store for retooling. This site offers the history of April Fool's day and some classic April Fools pranks and hoaxes that have been played through the media in the last 20 years. April Fools R Us also offers many readers April Fool's Day jokes.

Here are a few examples:

Practical Joke of the Day - Quarter On The Nose

For this joke you need a quarter (or any other coin, but quarters work best), a piece of paper, a pencil, and a victim. Call your victim over and tell them that you want to play a game. Place the paper on a desk or flat surface. Draw a circle on the paper, still holding the quarter in your hand. Explain to your friend that you must roll the quarter down your nose and try to land it as close to the center of the circle as possible. Demonstrate for your friend first. When the quarter lands, draw a circle around it, making sure you are tracing the quarter about 3 times. Tell your friend/victim that it is their turn. When they take their turn, they will get a black line down their nose from the pencil you used to trace the quarter during your turn. Don't tell them that it's there, and watch as people stare at your stupid victim. NOTE: Don't take a turn after your victim.

Practical Joke of the Day - Barf Gag

If you are at a friend's house, at school, at home, at a football game, it doesn't matter. This prank is bound to work!! First what you need are:

- Some apples(cut them up and leave them out for about an hour first)
- Half of a banana
- Some instant mashed potatos (optional)
- Different food dye colors
- and anything else that looks gross when it's mixed with these 'ingredients'.

All you have to do is put these in one bowl and mix them up really well. For the food coloring try to make a greenish brown. Put them in a toilet, shower, car, really anywhere and I'm sure someone will find it!!

Practical Joke of the Day - Egg Xactly

Well, there's one practical joke I pulled, although it wasn't an April Fools joke, but close. Back in my younger days, as a kid at home, we loved to hard-boil and color Easter Eggs, then after Easter, eat them. One Easter I colored a raw egg (making sure I could identify it), and placed it in the bowl of Easter Eggs.

As luck would have it, one night my younger brother and I were sitting at the table eating eggs by cracking the shells on the table. He happened to grab the "special" egg, and when he went to crack it, SPLAT" all over the table. The dumfounded look on his face was priceless.

I had to clean the mess up, but it was SO worth it! Hehehe.

Practical Joke of the Day - Pornographic Memory

I went up to my buddy's house a week before Christmas to exchange gifts and all that other crap you do that time of year. My girlfriend of many years hates it when I go up there to visit him cause we party hardy and I let myself go a bit. One night we were at his friends house having a few drinks when his friends summons me over to the computer and tells me he's going to show me a picture of a crazy party they had. So he pulls up this picture with a gorgeous blonde standing in his apartment topless. He was behind her grabbing her chest and my friends and another guy were sitting there watching.

He saw my eyes turn into baseballs and started laughing. He had taken this picture of them then superimposed a porn star into the picture. After he told me that I had to have one. So he snapped a few pics of me. One of me lying in the bed with my arms out which he later imposed 2 porn stars in my arms. One of me pretending to be passed out with beer bottles all around me which later showed a brunette passed out with me. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to hide them somewhere where I knew my girlfriend would find them.

I decided to wait till April Fool's Day. This was the hardest task of all. Having a killer prank and waiting a few months to pull it off. So when the day finally arrived I lied on the couch like I was sleeping with my pants unzipped and my hand down my pants and placed the pictures in my other hand. I'm usually asleep when she gets home from work and I'm not an easy person to wake up. So she walks in and sees me and looks through the pictures and started yelling at me thinking I was sleeping and shaking me.

It was so hard to keep from busting out laughing. But I decided the prank came to an end when I saw tears in her eyes. It took me a minute to calm her down to explain it to her. I don't recommend that anyone tries to recreate this prank unless you wish to sleep on the couch for a long time.

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