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Funny Joke of the Month

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

2nd Funny Joke of the Month

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references

.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Funny One-Liners of the Month

On every conceivable occasion, contraceptives should be used.

If God could create the Universe in six days, you could surely get up and take out the garbage!

If you come across a werewolf, be careful not to moon him.

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh? Wouldn't Jesus have preferred Visa or MasterCard?

I always take life with a grain of salt - in my margarita.

If you always take time to stop and smell the roses, one of these days you're going to get pollinated.

If you can't say something nice about somebody, then at least you're being honest.

I'm arrogant and I have amnesia and for some reason people keep asking me, "Just who do you think you are?"

Was Noah a vegetarian or did he account for 50 species not making it?

Bunnies should not be used for cosmetics testing because they're already cute.

Why is it that most nudists are people who should be required to keep their clothes on?

You have the right to remain silent. So shut the F**K up!

What's New in FunnyNews?

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FunnyDesigns.com has rolled out whole new pages worth of new humorous designs. Check out the vintage, novelty, crazy, beer and popular names pages.

Funny-pictures.biz is also offering new designs on t-shirts plus it offers a whole slew of funny, manipulated photos that can also be placed on t-shirts.

Humoroust-shirts.com is a funny quotes and slogans on t-shirts website and has many new funny one-liners, quotes and jokes to choose from.

Animaltshirts.net is devoted to animals across the world on t-shirts. From aardvarks to zebra, check out our line of animal t-shirts.

Politicaltshirts.us is a left-wing, liberal, commie, pinko, socialist, democrat-loving website devoted to t-shirts that are left of center.

April-fools.us This site offers the history of April Fool's day and some classic April Fools pranks and hoaxes that have been played through the media in the last 20 years. April Fools R Us also offers many readers April Fool's Day jokes.

Here are a few examples:

Practical Joke of the Day - Toilet Trick

A standard toilet has a filler tube with a flexible rubber hose attached, where the fresh water enters the tank. Usually attached with a simple metal clip, the hose can be detached from the tube in seconds, just lift the lid.

Restoring the toilet lid, you take the hose, pointing just the very end out from under the tank lid toward the next user. Set aim carefully, for best results.

As soon as someone presses the lever to flush, the filler hose streams water at the victim, a lot of water. It won't stop either, until someone knows to replace the hose or turnoff the supply valve, because the float valve can't& won't float when the tank is empty.

Kids, don't try this at home, your parents will kill you, so will your victim. You're busted if the victim knows who just used the toilet.

- P

Practical Joke of the Day - This One Takes The Cake!

This one was pulled on me. All you need is a standard yellow sponge and some chocolate frosting. cut the sponge in half (longways) and then cut it half again (regularly) so that you have 2 pieces. Take the frosting and make it a "double layer sponge cake" and put it on a birthday napkin. take it to people you know (workmates teachers etc) and tell them its your birthday. They will take the cake and try to bite into it. April Fools!

- Scott

Practical Joke of the Day - Shampoo

Me and my dad always have something planned for each other for April 1st. One year I took all his shampoo out of the bottle and replaced it with honey! He came screaming out of the bathroom that there was someTHING sliding down his head and was only wearing a towel! I was laughing so hard I could barely tell him what I did!

- Kit

Practical Joke of the Day - Roommate Retribution

In college I had a roommate who was a bit psycho. She would explode over any variation from the "daily duties" list she had posted on the door as to cleaning responsibilities. I worked a full time job and had a full course load so my free time was limited. I was rarely even home, her boyfriend and his friends however were always there freeloading and making the place a stye. I also found out that she had been padding my share of the monthly bills and when I confronted her about it she said, "well you're the one with the job, you can afford it, besides, I had to clean the bathroom for you once last week, so you owe me."

I then proceeded to the bathroom to clean it, still fuming. I spent a large amount of time cleaning the toilet and the bathtub drain so that is sparkeled- using her toothbrush. I then lightly rinsed it and put it back in the exact same position as it was left. She was anal retentive about dental hygene so she brushed at least 3 times a day. Each time I saw her brushing I felt a little wave of relief wash over me. Retribution was mine! Of course after hearing this story my husband's friends each gave him an extra toothbrush at his bachellor party just in case he got on my "bad side":)

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